no one could hear me.

my seventeenth wishlist.

2008-09-27T13:24:00.003+08:00

well i guess no one would come here anyway,
so i'll just blog out what i wish here.
you don't have to read this by the way;

let the secondary things come out first:
1. A nicely stiched volleyball.
2. Be better at setting.
3. A 3.8 GPA for next semester.
4. Clubland X-treme Hardcore albums 1 to 4
5. A deep deep bass in-ear earphones.
6. Something to put on the empty wrist of mine.
7. Be a better friend.

& the 3 primary things i want this year:
8. That you would celebrate my birthday with me; just this once.
9. My mother to stay happy & healthy.
10. For me & everyone around me to smile everyday without Mr. Emo beisde me.

well,
i guess the last two wont happen this year; again.
been wishing the same old thing for years now & it's all the same.

i dont want just a simple message from you.
but last year i didn't even get that simple message from you.
i just hope that,
you could forget everything that happened,
& we could be the way we were the first month we met.
that's all that i ask for.

read,

2008-03-26T20:24:00.000+08:00

& forget.

我想说，

2008-02-17T15:56:00.002+08:00

但我不知该怎么开口。
你说，
你会永远是我姐。
你说，
我还可以和你说话。
你说，
我可以和你分享我的心事。
你说，
我们只能当姐弟。
你说，
我还可以做你的守护恶魔。

为什么呢?
难道真的当朋友比较好吗?
我珍惜你，
很害怕实去你，
也害怕你会实去我。

你没时间陪我，
没关系。
你的朋友始终还是比较重要的。
或许我们不会有机会一起出去吧。
或许我不是你的另一伴吧。
或许上帝为你安排了一个更好的人吧。
如果这真的是你选择，
我就终身祝福你吧。
希望你能找到一个比我更好的人。

其实，我从来没停止爱你。

CNY,

2008-02-06T17:10:00.000+08:00

is not like CNY at all.
people having reunion dinner,
im having only bak gua with my mum.
sister went back malaysia with hubby for new year.
four whole years without reunion dinner since parents divorced.
oh well,
i guess i'll just have to deal with it.

sunday was the night i last saw you.
your last smile i saw.
the day after,
her blog post seemed like a message to me.
however i only saw it yesterday.

are you hating me now?
what's on your mind right now?
how should i react?
did i say something wrong?
was i wrong to have written that letter?
i seriously don't know.
or was i thinking too much?
should i have not given her that letter?
was it the wrong timing?
who does she hate?
what doesn't she want to talk about?
will she message me when she's back?
will i be given her reply?
did god hear my prayers?
how did god plan my life?

they're all unanswered.

it's only,

2008-01-31T18:40:00.000+08:00

a week since i last saw you,
& i'm already missing you.
i'm glad the recent days,
because you took the initiative to talk to me.
it means a lot to me.

another two weeks to valentine's.
time is running out.
i tried to ask you out but you weren't free.
i think you must be tired everyday after work.
how can i find the right time under these circumstances?
my brain is hurting.

work is getting worse.
backstabbers & complains.
i'll leave that damned place very soon.
very very soon.

i need to sit down and seriously think.
i need to be fully prepared.
no matter the outcome,
i'll still be me.

it's,

2008-01-26T11:10:00.000+08:00

26th of january today.
it suddenly struck me that valentine's coming.
every year's valentine's day was spent alone.
i wished you could be my valentine the past years.
while in sec 1 & 2,
we talked like friends.
came sec 3,
we almost never talked.
but that was then,
now's now.
i cherish every moment with you.
even if it's just a simple walk around,
i still feel happy.
just to see you happy makes me happy.

on your 16th birthday,
i searched up & down for the best present i could find.

on results day,
i prayed endlessly for your results.

on 4/2 chalet day,
i wished you could be there.
happened to see something you might like at white sands.
decided to buy it for you.

the day after,
tripped to novena to apply for your membership.
though we planned to go together,
but i think you might've forgotten it,
so i went alone.

on graduation day,
everyone's taking photos of their important ones.
i couldn't find you.

on 10th jan,
i was worried sick about you.
whether you're fine, your safety.
you didn't reply,
i thought something happened.

then i realised how important you were to me.
more than anyone else.

i dared not contact you too much.
you didn't like to be told to do things you didn't like.
i wont force you to do so.
you're cold towards strangers,
but i hope it wouldn't happen to me.

you loved DBSK.
you loved Changmin.
i tried memorising the lyrics.
it was hard,
but i told myself i could do so.
esp the sentence Changmin sang.

im afraid of losing you.
dear god,
please.

it's been,

2008-01-20T21:13:00.000+08:00

a month since i last saw you.
i wonder how you're doing.
are you happy at work?
are there any troubles bothering you?
are you feeling happy everyday?
i wish i'd knew.
i'd stare at the gifts i bought for you whenever i miss you.
i really do.
there's a box of sweets,
a kitty sleeping dress,
& i just applied the kitty membership for you.
checking for your blog & friendster updates every single day.
hour rather.
results coming out this friday.
i'm hoping for the best results for you.
praying hard for us.
may god hear my prayer for you.
if i had to make any sacrifices for you,
i'd not hesitate to do so.
i just want you happy.

i'll be watching over you every single day.
be your guardian devil.
unless you don't want me to.

if.

2008-01-03T20:57:00.001+08:00

if you were only here.

everywhere i went,

2008-01-02T19:57:00.000+08:00

everywhere i went,
it doesn't feel complete at all.
enjoying the breeze, view, scenery,
the gift of mother nature & all.
but i don't like enjoying it myself.
everywhere i went,
i wished you would be there.
i wished you could enjoy life with me.
so little time,
so many things to do.
im still anticipating,
even for that long awaited dinner date.

christmas.

2007-12-25T21:35:00.000+08:00

on the day of christmas,
everyone's enjoying their day out with their loved ones.
and here i am,
only thinking of her & not enjoying christmas with her.
i wanted to be with her at the skypark,
see the moon dancing among the stars,
& see that beautiful smile on her face.
but i guess it won't happen this christmas.
next year?
10 years?
i don't know.
she loves DBSK so so much.
she wants 'All about DBSK 2' so so much.
i want her to have it.
but am i spending too much?
i guess she'll feel guilty accepting it if i bought it for her.

if i had only 1minute of my life to be with her,
i'd spend the rest of my life alone the minute ends.

everytime i want to speak;

2007-12-20T21:01:00.000+08:00

everytime i wanted to speak it out,
no one could understand me.
they all feel i'm typical & don't matter.
whatever.
i guess no one will see this anyway.

let me just post something i wrote two years ago:

"3rd Nov, 2005

its been a week
i miss her so much
i wana see her
her smile,laughter,everything.
she doesn't seem to wanna talk to me dese days.
i feel so lonely.
many things going through my mind
whether i shld confess to her or nt;
wad her reaction wud be
and naw that idiotic guy farhan pestering her.
i hate it
mayb if i confess to her,
she might get too stressed up.
and mayb we may not even be friends.
sometimes i feel jealous;
when i tink that she doesn't wana talk to me and chats with other guys.
eg. moonkian
she seems so close to him.
anade one, farhan
he kips pestering her.
i fear that mayb one day she wud go back to him.
i realli like her.
since da fers day of skewl,
da fers crush i had was her;
till naw.
she was da fers gal i saw when i made my fers step into tis skewl.
i had tis feel for her for almost two years;
neva faded away.
next year we might not get into da same klas.
but i'm kipping my fingers crossed.
hope is neva gone.
i realli feel for you.
will eu gime da chance?"

here's another.

"24th Nov, 2005

todae gave her da hairband.
realli din knew wad to say to her;
nor how to give it to her.
im so dumb
could hav jus gave it to her and see her wear it for da day
hai~"

there's more.

"26th Nov, 2005

felt bery happy seeing her wear da hairband i gave her.
i was soooo overjoyed.
but then again,
she prefers a thin hairband instead of a thick one.
so i thought of searching for a thin hairband.
went to jp;
found no green hairband.
almost gave up hope
den saw her too.
the sight of her jus makes my heart feel happy;
though i saw some people i din wish to see too
nvm bout that
left jp;
headed for home
tinking on da train,
mayb i shld go back to jurong east and find da green hairband again
did so.
searched da whole of je.
almost couldn't walk any further.
but i stil insisted on finding.
finally found it.
fers thing i did was msg her.
realli elated upon finding it
whenever one has hope;
nothing is impossible
came back home,
waited for her to online
she sounded nt so happy
i dun wish to see that.
i jus feel i'm not that perfect for her
i'm jus totally useless
i cant even start a conversation with her in klas.
im useless;
dumb;
nothing."

& the last.

"27th Nov, 2005

went to skewl.
waited fer 240,
to hope to take da same bus as her.
but no.
hai~
never mind bout that
went to klas.
cracking my head how to giv da hairband to her.
i kept waiting and waiting
for da rite time
but i myself didn't knew when.
so decided to just slip it into her bag
wasn't a gud idea
when she found da hairband inside,
i thought she was angry
i didn't know wad to say
i was totally SPEECHLESS
so as b4,
msged her when i left da klas
apologised for not getting her permission to touch her bag
she didn't mind
she said she loved da hairband
i felt really happy
but i still get da feeling that she doesn't like mie
one day left to see each arde in skewl
why does time fly so damn fast?
2years just flew by in an instant;
and i couldn't tell her da three words
mayb im just a hum ji,
just like wad those siaocharbo said
im so useless
i wana tell it to her
but how?
god help mie please
one day left,
24hrs
60mins,
3600secs.
i hav to do it in this short amount of time
lord gimme da courage to do so..."

two years and i still remember how it felt back then.
this year,
i tripped to kitty love to get her present.
alone in the train,
the past breezed through my mind.
i couldn't blog in the train,
then i wrote down my thoughts in my phone.
here's what i wrote :

16th Dec, 2007

decided to buy the kitty bag for her.
will she like it?
will she detest me?
will she feel it?
will we be?
so many questions,
none has answers.
four years,
every year mattered,
every month,
day.
sec 1,
really regretted my wrongdoings.
stalked her,
flipped her diary & journal.
irritated her.
i felt so shameless; useless.
couldn't even speak up to her.
hidden up all those feelings.
came sec 2,
she became my jie.
i was overjoyed.
that green hairband she adored.
she preferred the thin one.
got both for her.
noticed her every habit i could during that period in the same class.
when we were streamed,
anticipated whether will we be in the same class.
hated the arrangement, she wasn't.
sat in silence in sec 3 for half a year.
every recess hoped to see her even for a split second.
every sight made my day.
though we seldom talked like very good friends,
i always wished we could be.
this year,
i believe we all have matured through our mistakes.
3 years of naivety,
i know what i should do & not do.
flashbacks of her and farhan.
i was totally depressed.
i thought that that was the end.
but no.
i wish that after these four years,
we still can be god-siblings,
even better,
in the same school.
every birthday,
i wished we could be an item.
four years of anticipation.
it's not easy as it seems.
four years just to hear the words ' i do ',
because i do.

and today,
this sentence ran passed my mind:

20th Dec, 2007

everytime i gazed at the night blue sky,
i have the accompany of the stars & moon.
but it would be better with the accompany of you.

seems a long post,
however no one will see it.

i just want to let you know,
how i feel for you the past four years.
you know it's you.
i still fear you would ignore me if i told you i liked you.
but i'll never know if i never told you.
i believe we've all matured our thoughts now.
i want to tell you personally.
i'll wait for your decision.